Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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