So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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