just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
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