I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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