so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Randomize
