I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
