My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
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