so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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