Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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