a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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