I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
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Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
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Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
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