he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
