I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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