Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
