i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
