1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
too bad you live with your parents still
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
