Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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