This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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