I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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