He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
