The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
