Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
