I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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