got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
