Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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