I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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