Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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