I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
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