Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
