For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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