Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
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stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
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Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.