Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
