woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
