her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
