She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
