I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
