Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
