At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
