I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
don't judge my taste in strippers
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
