If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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