Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
