Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Idk if I want to put a bra on
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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