Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
