This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
