His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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