You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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