Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
