seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Randomize
