I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Randomize
