if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
