from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
