Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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