So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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