i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
