I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
