I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
