You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Randomize
