I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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