I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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