I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
