I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
