we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Randomize
