So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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